Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Anime Marriage Prospects Pt. 1

Posting my contributions to an experimental thread of the same name. It's all just for lulz.

Hitagi Senjougahara


Tall with a de-liciously slender figure, beautiful legs, and long, flowing, strikingly-violet air. Definitely a body worth going to jail for. Her face is equally as beautiful and she usually wears an unamused, pensive expression no matter how much it may clash with her, well, abusive dialogue. She also has a habit of tilting her head in a cute and alluring manner.

She wears a school uniform that is composed of a rather-masculine top (a necktie and trademark office supplies in her breast pocket) and a standard skirt accompanied by lengthy black stockings to achieve that perfect Grade-A zettai ryouiki goodness.

In short, Tall Purple-Haired and Bishoujo and so damn good at it that, as evidenced by Suruga, Even the Girls Want Her.

As far as traditional education goes, well above-average in terms of book smarts, although she can't hold a candle to resident teenage genius, Hanekawa. In terms of common sense and rationality, well, while she's no Cloud Cuckoo Lander, her manner-of-speaking seems to indicate that her thought processes are far from what you would call normal.

Boy howdy are we in for the long-haul. Her personality is like a labyrinth only instead of the Minotaur, there's a giant invisible crab prowling the ominous corridors and warding off intruders. Basically, unless you've got an inhuman (and by that I mean vampiric) tolerance for getting repeatedly perforated by a stapler's tiny metal fangs, you're going to find yourself swiftly reduced to a pile of stammering ice shards by Senjougahara's subzero standoffishness.

And even if you get past the initial cold shoulder (and subsequent X-acto knife lip-tearing), there's a salvo of heart-piercing snark headed your way as you bob-and-weave around Senjougahara's razor-sharp tongue trying to find even a shred of meaning in her thoroughly trenchant teasing. If you're inexperienced with humility, prepare for a crash course as she will slowly, but viciously flay you with every nuanced word, gesture, glance, and sultry sashay.

But fear not, because while the kuu in Senjoughara's kuudere is carved out of a fifty-foot-tall obelisk, cuddling up next to her microscopic dere when all is said and done is worth the torture. Ever believed in the concept that one can't truly appreciate beauty unless one understands pain? Well Senjougahara is pretty much the personification of that idea because, as Araragi could tell you, deep down, she's an affectionate little love-starved ball of intimacy.

Cooking/Home Economics:
Expect cute bento boxes with rather overt admissions of love plastered all over them. Oh, and lots of crabs.

Fighting Skills:
As expected from someone with a figure like hers, Senjougahara is in excellent physical shape and tears up the track with her unrivaled agility. As far as actual fighting skills, she's quite handy with school supplies of all things, her weapons of choice being a stapler and an X-acto knife. She lines her school uniform with pointy classroom implements and even has a whole arsenal tucked away in her sleeves primed for a quick-draw showdown.

Special Abilities:
She used to be weightless, which has rather limited uses. Probably the closest thing she has to some special power is the uncanny ability to transform every single sentence into a poisoned barb that pumps the victim's spinal column full of liquid despair. And she seems utterly incapable of speaking in a manner that doesn't involve impaling people with these.

Ararararagi is front and center which means you're pretty much out of luck since she has him by the yandere-leash after he saved her from the clutches of a crab-God (though he himself is too nice and gullible to be a genuine threat). But even if Araragi were to be hypothetically removed from the equation, there's still her subconsciously psychotic, equally-yandere lover, Suruga, who would treat you to a savage disembowelment (Not kidding) if she even suspected you of being competition. Sleep tight; don't let the furry-appendage sticking out from under the yellow raincoat bite.

None, although she does suffer from family issues.

Modestly wealthy. Definitely raking in enough income for a search-and-rescue party were she to go missing although you would probably be the one in need of rescuing in such a situation.

Okay, there are two ways this can play out. If she's as adept at verbal sparring as sparring in the bedroom, then expect something oh-so-satisfyingly kinky because this S&M session is going to have heavy emphasis on the S. Oh, and she's probably got a specific use for every single one of her school supplies, not to mention the fact that she's probably capable of handling them in...exotic ways.

The other way, of course, is if she stays all sweet and passionate after her emotional barrier has fallen, but while that makes for better romance, frankly, the stapler-under-the-sheets route seems more amusing, especially since she claims to be a virgin.

Seeing as she doesn't like children, this is likely a no-go, although she probably wouldn't be completely against the idea.

If you're still contemplating whether or not you should hook up with Senjougahara at this point, you either:
A) are a masochist
B) are gifted with high-speed regenerative abilities
C) find yourself getting a stiffy only when you step into a Staples.
In any case, we all salute you for your bravery on the battlefield.

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